Saturday, 15 August 2015

Found What I was looking for in myself.

Sexuality. Watching every single coming out video on youtube in the last year properly didn't help me at all in coming out , not because of anything that they did but because they all seemed so happy. Even before they came out they were bubbly, happy and perfectly sane. The main part of that sentence is happy. They didn't show you the questioning yourself part. Where you consider every possible outcome from telling the ones you love.  Yes after is more than often better but actually doing it, saying those words, Telling that one person you love, for me my mother, that you are in fact gay. I look back now and just despise that I didn't get to have my coming out. It was something that was found out. She found my attitude magazine and stuff from an ex boyfriend. Not the best way to find out. Speaking about my sexuality is something i don't really do that much outside of certain friends.So even now when my mum brings it up it makes me uncomfortable. I've decided to talk about it now as there seems to be a big gay movement recently and its Mardi Gras in Cardiff tomorrow. It's sparked a really intense feeling for me. Equality. Just like properly a lot of other homosexual men and women I've always felt judged. By the fact I'm gay, by the way that I dress, by the way I walk, talk and properly every little detail of myself. Two months ago A customer asked me if I was gay and I was so scared I lied and said no.  I am cowardly but when you have negative reactions you see what is happening in other parts of the world. Don't get me wrong i don't except to be killed but to say we have equality or anywhere near that is stupid.
I was in a bar recently. For anyone in the UK it was a weatherspoons... Well a lloyds which is owned by weatherspoons. Surround by friends and walking to the toilet,  I felt this glare from  two men as I walked and unfortunately as I walked by they called me disgusting and they continued to watched me as I walked. Never have I felt so disgusted and angry at myself. Yes I was in super skinny jeans and a shirt that was a bit floral. So i properly looked "gay" to them, Yet I don't think they will ever realise how deep there comments have cut. In all honestly being gay is something i still haven't come to terms with. It affects my life every day. I have terrible social skills with men and am constantly questioning if people think I'm too gay.What even is too gay ? why would i stop being myself for people who aren't in my life?   It's mentally taxing to question who you are. It's bad enough coming from your own mind so homophobic cunts please keep your opinions to yourself, I don't judge you for your sexual life so keep your nose out of my nonexistence lovelife. 
"The real violence, the violence that I realised was unforgivable, was the violence that we do to ourselves, when we're too afraid to be who we really are."

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