But I want to live and not just survive.

Happy New Year! I feel New year is a time to reflect on everything that has happened in the last year. Which for me can be a bit scary. I reflect and project properly too much. Living in the moment is something I'm trying to work on. I started to write a blog post in the beginning of December when I was on the Megabus back to cardiff and it was a very upsetting time. It's made me really think about what I want. I've never been on to really to push forward in anything. It's like I'm scared to go for something because I don't want to achieve or I'm scared of change. This is going to change. This year I'm 24. It's scared me a little that i feel like I've achieved nothing. Listening to Adele, 25 is emotionally destroying, made me think. There are two lyrics one being the title of this post and then another- I know I'm not the only one, who regrets the things they've done, sometimes i just feel it's only me who never became who they thought they'd be.
So this year I'm going to create a 2016 bucket list.  Wish me luck.

Big goals 

1.move to London 

2. Get a job that has good career prospects and that I'm passionate about. 

3. Have a holiday- it's been 5 years since my last holiday!!

4. No dating apps - it only wastes time and I won't find love there. P

5. Drink less alcohol - for obvious reasons. 

6. Be more proactive 

7.spend more time with the people I love.

8. Don't be scared to make a fool out of myself. 

Is it real or am I going out of my mind.

It was just a normal day. Normal uniform. A roll neck jumper and jeans. Maybe a little bit too casual but I had a blazer ready to pop on if anyone important came in, to smarten myself up. I had my jumper tucked in,of course, so you could kind of see my shape. I had only been in like ten minutes, during the middle of the day, when a customer approached me and asked me and a colleague for help with something. My colleague helped and I went back to doing whatever I was doing. The lady then reapproached me a bit earlier where she asked me for help and which I of course did. She then decided to make a comment about my weight. "Do you only employ skinny people, you need to go and have some food you look ill." It really unsettled me all day . Why did she think she could comment on my weight? If I was a larger person would she have had said the opposite? If I was a female would she have made that comment ?  Personally I just want to say eating has never been a problem for me. I eat regular with at least 3 meals a day. I don't think I'm too skinny, I'm just not very muscly either. Yes I work in fashion so what I wear is open to judgement but my weight is not for a complete stranger to come up and comment about. It's upset me because I'm not the shape I want to be I would love to be muscly and toned. It's something i am going to attempt to do but no stranger should comment on something so personal when they have no idea about the persons situation.  

I get so wrapped up in a world where nothing's as it seems And real life is stranger than my dreams.

 Sometimes Cardiff for me seems to small. London was just right. Yet I forgot why I love cardiff. It's the little things. As a child I never really went into Bute Park but it's so beautiful. It's Strange sometimes I feel we underrate the place we live in because we become desensitised to it but all it takes is a little detour into a place we haven't been to before to really look at the city. This year I'm hoping for snow and I've made a promise to charlotte that I will go out and have a snowball fight with her. Just as long as we do it in Bute park.  Outfit posts below enjoy. 

Shoes - river island. Jeans - River Island. Vest - New look.

Vintage shirt - Urban Outfitters .

And the timing's never right but for now lets get away on a roman holiday.

New Uniform time already !! Autumn is here... well clothing anyway. Here is my new uniform pick. Hopefully I will be moving out in a month so will be able to get photos of me in them as well. 

All NEXT.

Found What I was looking for in myself.

Sexuality. Watching every single coming out video on youtube in the last year properly didn't help me at all in coming out , not because of anything that they did but because they all seemed so happy. Even before they came out they were bubbly, happy and perfectly sane. The main part of that sentence is happy. They didn't show you the questioning yourself part. Where you consider every possible outcome from telling the ones you love.  Yes after is more than often better but actually doing it, saying those words, Telling that one person you love, for me my mother, that you are in fact gay. I look back now and just despise that I didn't get to have my coming out. It was something that was found out. She found my attitude magazine and stuff from an ex boyfriend. Not the best way to find out. Speaking about my sexuality is something i don't really do that much outside of certain friends.So even now when my mum brings it up it makes me uncomfortable. I've decided to talk about it now as there seems to be a big gay movement recently and its Mardi Gras in Cardiff tomorrow. It's sparked a really intense feeling for me. Equality. Just like properly a lot of other homosexual men and women I've always felt judged. By the fact I'm gay, by the way that I dress, by the way I walk, talk and properly every little detail of myself. Two months ago A customer asked me if I was gay and I was so scared I lied and said no.  I am cowardly but when you have negative reactions you see what is happening in other parts of the world. Don't get me wrong i don't except to be killed but to say we have equality or anywhere near that is stupid.

I was in a bar recently. For anyone in the UK it was a weatherspoons... Well a lloyds which is owned by weatherspoons. Surround by friends and walking to the toilet,  I felt this glare from  two men as I walked and unfortunately as I walked by they called me disgusting and they continued to watched me as I walked. Never have I felt so disgusted and angry at myself. Yes I was in super skinny jeans and a shirt that was a bit floral. So i properly looked "gay" to them, Yet I don't think they will ever realise how deep there comments have cut. In all honestly being gay is something i still haven't come to terms with. It affects my life every day. I have terrible social skills with men and am constantly questioning if people think I'm too gay.What even is too gay ? why would i stop being myself for people who aren't in my life?   It's mentally taxing to question who you are. It's bad enough coming from your own mind so homophobic cunts please keep your opinions to yourself, I don't judge you for your sexual life so keep your nose out of my nonexistence lovelife. 

"The real violence, the violence that I realised was unforgivable, was the violence that we do to ourselves, when we're too afraid to be who we really are."

Baby bend over , let me see you do that yoga.

Working in a retail can be mentally taxing, especially if your like me. Pretty much everyday I'm fighting mentally too not buy everything. From shoes to tie hangers, It's a pretty cruel job. One thing I do love in Next is there shoes. Well I pretty much just love all shoes but Next shoes are really high quality. The three below are what I've had my eye on for a while and I may treat myself once I've got paid. There signature items such as the blue/white stripe shorts and there Geo print two piece are also really really nice. Next doing a rather nice two piece was a surprise and honestly until I started to work on mens I didn't really look at there clothes. It's kind of like a safety thing. I would only go to certain stores as they were deemed cool. Now I can see that we do do the classic men's wear pieces really well, classic V necks and polos, Jeans and shorts. Which every man should have. 

And I know I Shouldn't kiss and tell.

After Paying off my iPhone 6 + off this month I can finally look forward to next month and actually having money to spend on new clothes that are not for work but are for everyday. Like non-work clothes. Like Summer clothes, actual summer! Even if I don't get to wear them straight away they will be here waiting for me when I need them. I have a few things in mind that I want/need; dungarees, printed trousers, a coord set, more chinos, a ton of shoes, bracelets, sunglasses... etc. I already have the dungarees which came like 2 months ago and I love them. Makes me feel rather strangely young again. As you can tell from certain things I've picked theres not too much colour except from the two piece. It's not that there wasn't colourful stuff I loved on ASOS I just loved these items more. I am hoping to get my nephew the dungarees(Next) below so we can match. Sad I know. My nephew and my sister are moving back home on Thursday. Living in a house with my immediate family again is going to be rather strange and a little cramped but its going to be amazing at the same time. Seeing my nephew grow up right in front of me and of course teach him how to terrorise the rest of my family. Although I'm going to move out hopefully soon. Its time to take back my independence and my bedroom from the cleaner, mother. enjoy. 

A foreign sun my eyes thought I’d never see.

If you live in cardiff, you can tell by the fact there is a sun that these were not recently taken. Three weeks ago during a day off me and Charlotte wanted to do something. So why not cardiff bay, Sunbathing, cards and cider. There was a very awkward moment when charlotte didn't have a bottle opener and when she decide to become David Attenborough and record me but we've gotten over that now. It really got me thinking of summer. What do i want to do? I've already booked V festival which I honestly can't wait for but it feels like the year I travel abroad again, finally. I've waited three years so I'm going. My preparation in the gym starts tomorrow. All junk food has gone out the fucking window and this year I'm going to do it for myself. I put all this effort in for things that don't even matter but the one thing that would properly make me more comfortable in myself and I find any excuse not to do it.  Then theres the question of where. Where? Suppose I better start looking at places and new clothes... and who I'm going to drag with me.

enjoy. 

  

Has the world gone mad... or is it me?

Happy new year People. Hopefully you have made your New Year Resolutions. Mine are pretty much the same as last year however my main focus this year is to move back to London. Everything in my mind always reverts back to London. My two favourite F's; fashion and food. The best place for both are London. I don't have all the plans just yet but I'm sure they will fall into place shortly. But for now heres a look back on my year. Enjoy.